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This blog was originally posted on September 2, 2009 at http://www.myspace.com/johnzee:

You know a couple of months back I saw a sneak trailer for the new Tarantino war epic.  The trailer showed Brad Pitt with a bunch of American soldiers invoking Lee Marvin in the Dirty Dozen in such a way that made me hopeful.  The Dirty Dozen is one of my favorite movies and the very idea of Tarantino doing his own version of that movie intrigued me, in fact enough to ignore Brad Pitt being cast.  Personally I have always thought that the best that Pitt could do in a Tarantino written script was to play Floyd the lovable pot head in True Romance.

Brad Pitt just seemed too much a mega tabloid star to work with Tarantino well, but I was willing to give the movie a shot.  Tarantino was known to impress, and I hoped for a good movie.

What the hell Tarantino?  Have you ever read a single book about World War 2?  How many things did he get wrong historically?  There was so much wrong that the movie was a laughable parody of every effort Tarantino has ever made in cinema.  I think the exact moment that I actually got nauseated  by this fantasy land was when Adolph Hitler was shown wearing some sort of gaudy cape.

Napoleon maybe, but very doubtful that Hitler would actually wear a cape.  But then again this was Tarantino’s imagination land version of World War 2.  It made me wonder if Tarantino had pitched the movie to a group of investors that wanted to rewrite history to where a group of super powered men and women of jewish descent singlehandedly thwarted the German third Reich.

Brad Pitt plays some parody of his Tristan character from Legends of the Fall.  Here he is Aldo, a guy from Tennessee that is related to a man that may have some bit of Apache blood in him.  Pretty flimsy but Pitt claims to be part Apache, and that is enough for Retarded Tristan to get the idea to organize a group of soldiers to parachute into Nazi controlled lands (read France) and scalp as many Germans as possible.  Pitt grabs the toughest group of Jewish men that military has to offer.  Personally my first choice would have been James Caan, but he would have just punched that stupid look right off of Brad Pitts face.

The Germans were all idiots, yet only slightly dumber then Brad Pitt’s character.  All the way through this movie the audience is constantly asked the question “How dumb can those silly Germans be?”.  Not sense Hogans Heroes have so many slapstick worthy Germans been seen.

The two only exceptions to the rule of incompetent Nazis is the man in charge of finding the hidden Jewish population in France, and a lone Nazi officer in the cellar bar.  Every other single German character is shown to be a complete idiot.  The movie had such a slapstick approach to the Nazis as the bad guys in this film that very seldom is there ever a moment that we doubt that Retarded Tristan/Aldo will prevail.

Oh yeah and then suddenly there is a Mike Myers appearance that is about as clumsy as could be.  You can actually see Mike Myers smiling at the camera thinking to himself  “I’m in a Tarantino movie, how the mighty have fallen.”   But the question is, was Myers talking about himself or Tarantino?  Because as the entire movie shows, Tarantino fell more then anyone else for this monstrosity, if only because he took credit for the movie as a whole.

There is one scene where Pitt shows himself to be a complete dumbass, and gets a German double agent killed maliciously and violently by the industrious finder of French Jews.  Retarded Tristan stands surrounded by a room full of slapstick Germans awaiting a movie.  Pitts characters is taken captured, and just for a moment my mind jumped forward to visions of retarded Tristan or Aldo if you prefer being bent over a table and being given the once over in proper German fashion, even as Bruce Willis comes to his rescue, Japanese sword in hand.

But nope it was just a dream, although a good one.

Pitt is eventually given the choice to end the world war on the flimsiest piece of circumstances that anyone has ever come up with.  Tarantino states and shows that the Americans have invaded France by the end of the movie.  Then it is shown that Hitler decides to watch the movie of death with his German soldiers in France.  I can guarantee that the one time that Hitler had no plans whatsoever to visit France was when that country was being invaded by the allies, yet that is exactly what Tarantino’s slapstick Hitler does.

I am sure that there are a lot of people that wish that Tarantino’s slapstick version of the end of the Nazi threat was in fact reality.  But sadly I saw a more realistic version of the Nazi threat when Popeye and Bluto went over to Europe to kicked some Nazi butt.

The sad thing Tarantino is that I expected better of you.  Historic epics are just not your thing.  How about another film where an aging Michael Madsen tortures a cop to and oldy but goody?

Brad Pitt, I am hoping that Tarantino told you to play the dumbest Tennessean that you could possibly play.  Surely you would respect our states proud reputation when it comes to readily serving in our nation’s military when there is a need.  Aldo is a bad caricature of a lot of good men from Tennessee that shed their blood on the European theater.

My hope is that the slight against soldiers from Tennessee was not intentional.

And Brad if you ever need a lesson in history or anything else, here is a Tennessean that could probably teach you a lot more then you would expect.

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